At Least The Pattern Survived

well, this is it. the end of another year. there were so many posts I wanted to post, and now i'm out of time...

i'll just have to leave you all with this i suppose

http://www.apple.com/trailers/focus_features/9/

tim burton and coheed and cambria joining forces?!?! definitely one of the things i'll be looking forward to most in the coming year.

and i'll see y'all next year...

Endnotes

when last i was at home (home home, not my new home)[1] the wireless internet that my family has had decided to no longer accept my computer as a full-time friend, only a part-time acquaintance.[2] by this, i mean that i could check my hotmail, but facebook refused to load. and youtube was a mess, while wikipedia was fine. and there was constant stalling, even more so then usual for a farm-based high-speed. and don't even get me started on trying to access this blog, or anyone else's for that matter. i was to the point that if i saw the OpenDNS page show up one more time, telling me that the site i asked for did not exist, and whether i meant to type headtrappedintheclouds.blogspot.com (which i already did), only to tell me that site did not exist either when clicking their link and ask me whether i wished to try the exact same link again, i was going to explode in a fiery ball of rage that could only be quelled by the death of my mactop in the cold winter snow...

but now i've got an early Christmas miracle, and the internet seems to have made a move towards reconciling with my computer, who was the bigger man throughout this drama, never calling anyone any names.[3] and what do i find? that every bloody person in my blogging circle has updated. honestly, i was gone for one day, what's all the hubbub about?

regardless, i feel like i should join in. hence the post, even though i really have nothing interesting to say at all. seems everyone else having something interesting to say has left me completely dry of material. which, of course, only fuels the feelings from before about this stupid blog.

HOWEVER, upon further analysis of my own condition, i have determined to try and fight off the depression and say something a little happier in this, my second to last post of 2008[4]. Even though I have no idea what to say...

I never realized how much I'm into symmetry.[5] Like, right now, I'm looking at this post so far, and I don't like how it starts with one big paragraph and then three smaller ones. It feels like it should be big paragraph/small paragraph/big paragraph, or something like that. Patterns are the way to go, as far as I'm concerned. Of course, the constant writer's block really throws a wrench in those plans. Looking at this post, I also realize that I don't want it to be this long when I have nothing of great importance to say. Nobody wants to read this much dribble. And even if by another early Christmas miracle they do, I don't really like the look of such a gigantic blob of white text sitting on my blog page. Too boring. For whatever reason, when I post off of my mac I have absolutely none of the creative options for spicing up the text that I might have on the household pc, i've no idea why.[6] buuut i'm getting whiny again. moving on...

I want to write at least one song this Christmas holiday. I think that is a reasonable goal in and amongst all the other chaos that will be going on. We'll see. Other than that though, I think I'll leave any other plans I might have in the dark. Makes it much easier for me when I fail at achieving them when nobody else knows about them. Oops, happening again...

One left. [7]




[1] I love my Guelph home so much more these days. I love living on my own. The house I grew up in no longer feels like a home to me. It feels like I'm just visiting, i'd feel about the same in any of your houses as I do right here, right now.
[2] I had realized this confrontation a lot earlier in reality. I think it has something to do with Snowflake growing accustomed to my new home internet and not being able to synch back up with the old internet when she comes back for a visit.
[3] Fingers crossed this miracle is here to stay. Otherwise I'm going to lose a lot of my connection with the outside world for a couple weeks. Going on the family computer just isn't the same, nor do I have near the amount of accessibility with it as I do with Snowflake.
[4] What's this? Could there be a 2009? Only time will tell, I'm still jumping drastically back and forth between the ideas of shutting this baby down and keeping her plugged in. I'm also tossing about the idea of a secret new blog though, or something waaay better...
[5] That last line was a complete lie. I love symmetry. I've known that for about forever now.
[6] Hence the reason I can't make these endnotes their proper superscript size. And why I'm going a little over kill on the bolding, one of the few options I'm given on this mac. I really need to learn me a bit of computer speech, get a little more techno savvy. Dave?
[7] See endnote #4...

I Know I Said I'd Write Then, But...

Hey! That feeling I mentioned before (Old News) is back!

Technically, the feeling that is that feeling i was feeling way back then has been back all day. It has only just now surfaced its ugly head in blog form.

Feels good to get it out when it showed up, instead of trying to remember what it felt like a week later...

That's a lot of "feeling"

DEFINITE feeling: 2 more posts...

Powerless

Right now I feel completely powerless. It feels like I can't help anyone.

I want to help cheer you up, but nothing seems to work. And now I have to help the family, so the one thing that I could have done to cheer you up is getting shortened. Hopefully not cancelled entirely.

I hate this feeling. But at least there's only about two more weeks of it.

I'll write again then.

3 more posts...

Old News (?)

This blog (?)

I'm not really sure now. I was sure a couple days ago, but now I'm not. We'll just have to wait and see I guess.

Counting down from four...

Mandatory Post

I have a kind-of chronic fear of manholes. At least the grate-style ones with big open holes.

It's not that I'm afraid of falling through them or anything. I'm just scared that something on my person will fall through the grate and I'll lose it in the sewers. Ipod, cellphone, house keys, etc etc etc.

My fear hasn't developed to the point where I avoid all manholes in the street. But I still grip everything I'm holding or that's in my pockets really tightly when I walk over them.

...

Yeah, I've got nothing better to talk about right now.

It Hit Me Like A Wave

I just can't win. In order to get ahead in my assignments, I sentence an entire weekend to being devoid of fun. But then I end up having all sorts of free time when nobody else does. And then I start doing my homework, and everybody wants to hang out. So I go to have fun instead of what I should be doing. But it's not really fun, because I end up coming out of it with another of those lovely downers...

November 11, 1:58am.

I can't wait to live on my own and just forget about all this shite. I've had more then enough of actions and words I can no longer interpret as friendly. They'll miss using me when I'm no longer here, and knowing that gives me a sick thrill...

A depressing thought. For a day of solemnness. Sorry, that's about the most equivalent post I can conjure up right now.

I've got my poppy. Do you?

Zombie Or Vampire?

My apologies to J-Wei for the blatant rip-off of her posting archetype...

Top 10 Hallow's Een Songs (for a Hallow's Een Playlist)

10. The Monster Mash (Bobbby "Boris" Pickett)
9. Kernkraft 400 (Zombie Nation)
8. I Hear You Calling (Gob)
7. I Put A Spell On You (Screamin' Jay Hawkins)
6. Vicarious (Tool)
5. Halloween (3)
4. Disturbia (Rihanna)
3. Thriller (Michael Jackson)
2. Zombies Ate My Neighbours (Single File)
1. This Is Halloween (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

Honourable Mentions

Zombie - The Cranberries
Weighty Ghost - Wintersleep
Bones - The Killers
Monster - 3
Devil In A Midnight Mass - Billy Talent
The Ghost Of You - My Chemical Romance
Don't Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
Oogie Boogie's Song - The Nightmare Before Christmas
Du Hast - Rammstein
All You Zombies - The Hooters
They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhh! - Sufjan Stevens

I love this "holiday"...

And Now For Something...

I've wanted to post this post for a long time now. But first I had to figure out all that other lovely angsty garbage. However, now that that's all out of my system...

America Ferrera. Jordin Sparks.

Is it bad that I get these two confused ALL THE TIME? I mean, they are clearly the same person.

Two More Months

Now that Thanksgiving is over, all I have left to keep me going is Christmas. But then things will all be a-okay again...

Blegh

Here's a positive thought that struck me today...

I have become exactly what I thought a university student would be, appearance wise at least. When I was younger, I used to look up to people exactly like what I am right now.

So that's pretty awesome...

Personal Reminder

I have to get out of here. It's not me. Not in the slightest. I need to get out of English, take something else entirely? Art? History is pretty interesting, but could I handle the workload? Maybe a business degree? Just not English. And not Guelph.

This is just a personal reminder. So that on those days when I come back from class brainwashed by a good day into thinking that this could work, I will remember that it can't.

Same Shit, Different Year

I can categorize post-secondary education students (not narrowing my perspective to just University) into two groups.

1) Those following their dreams, taking courses they enjoy, dealing with what is often a huge workload but loving every part of it, in particular the lack of angst they feel over doing something they don't enjoy. They may or may not have difficulty in the future finding stable jobs, but they don't care, because at the very least they are happy.

2) Those studying something that may not be something they love, but they know that they will have stable lives in the future with secure jobs. They may not be enjoying school all the time, the workload may often be too much to handle, but they get through it because they have clear goals set in place that they know are achievable. They work hard to produce the skills that they know will get them places in the future. And because of this, they often still have plenty of fun. After all, what's a few grade points now when you'll be financial well off and happy in the future?

I do not love English. That much I have always known. Nor do I have the skills it takes to make English into a successful, stable career as, what?, a teacher? There is no other option with English for me. Which brings me back to the question I keep asking myself: Why am I here???

I HAVE to find out an answer to that question. And not just in a year's time. In a year's time, I will have potentially (most likely?) wasted two full years of my life going down a path I can't see myself following. I need to figure out what I'm doing in the next few months. Before the end of the semester maximum...

The 5 Is Insignificant

Reason #5 Why University Annoys Me

Why is it that I am always recognizing people, but none of them remember who I am?

Just didn't feel like starting at one is all...

EDIT

Reason #23 Why University Annoys Me

Huge blocks of space in between classes that are too short to go home or do anything, but long enough to make me wish I was dead.

Not Even Unusual Anymore

You know hot lips? Like, the candy? We had some at work today. Last shift, btw! About freakin' time, that's all I have to say about that...

Well, anyways. Hot lips. I realized something about myself and them tonight when I heard their name mentioned by one of my coworkers. I brought them all corn today. Kind of in celebration of my last day of work at Cardinal! What what! No more drunken, smelly golfers for me, no sir! Just a bunch of drunken, smelly teenagers! Yeah!

But, back to the point. Hot lips. I realized tonight that for the longest time I thought they were called "hot lips" because they were hot candies. Like cinnamon hearts or that sort of thing. But they are probably really called "hot lips" because of the stereotype of big, luscious, red lips being attractive, or "hot" if you will. And I suppose being made of candy only sweetens the deal...

And by "the longest time", I mean that when this thought crossed my mind tonight, it was the first time it ever did. In my life.

Period.

Name Changes

So, when I said that I had ten days left for my short story, I actually only had eight. Which means right now I only have four days left before the deadline for my short story. Which is okay, because I'm just about done. Five hours of non-stop editing and re-writing in one day will do that to you...

In other news, did anybody else see any warnings about A Channel changing it's name to just plain A? Cause I sure didn't. It just sort of happened ... just this evening. I mean, when The New VR changed it's name to A Channel, they were warning up for an entire summer. What's up with that???

August Deadline

Ugh, I need to be writing right now. But it's just so hard to do when I need to do it the most. For a couple days I had a good pattern going; write for an hour before going to sleep, finish nearly two pages every night. But that was back when I had no "distractions" around or about; nothing to do but work on my future.

Everybody, yell at me! I have exactly 10 days before my future is decided for me simply by my lack of enthusiasm...

Pfft

Finally, an answer to the question that I never asked anybody!

The Question: What is with this sudden "Twilight" craze/fad/faze/crad? Where did it come from oh so suddenly, and why?

The Answer: "Twilight" is filling the void within all the little Harry Potter fans' hearts now that their series has ended. Huge market there...

The Coincidence(?): Look at how's starring in the new "Twilight" movie. Or, more specifically, look at what other film he's famous for...

In other news, the mystery show ... remains a mystery.

And y'all thought I wasn't gonna make it...

That's Just How My Mind Runs

So, I thought up this list while skinning and trimming 150 onions whose stench now coats every inch of me...

Top Five Scariest Episodes Of Children's Shows From My Childhood

5. Mystery Show From My Past

I can't remember the show very well, but I can recall it being in a swamp, and the animal characters were puppets. And there was an alligator who worked in a shop owned by some sort of pink-skinned punk lizard/newt thing. And there was also some sort of swamp-thing/mud monster character who lived in the deepest muckiest part of the swamp. Anyways, the scariest episode was when the swamp-thing character became a vampire for some reason I cannot remember. And he spent most of the episode stalking the poor moronic alligator character, who was the only one who realized that he was a vampire at all. I can remember a couple close calls when the swamp-thing almost had the alligator in his grasps, they are now so vivid in my mind. Near the end of the episode, the swamp-thing character has a big musical number in a dark valley surrounded by all his mind-controlled minions (thinking about it now, the swamp-thing may have only gained hypnotizing powers, and being an ignorant four year old, i thought that's what vampires did...). Pretty terrifying stuff, what with all the glowing green eyes and hideous blank faces. But that wasn't even the worst part. At the very end of the episode, the swamp-thing is back in his home, completely normal. But the camera pans up to his ceiling to reveal a sinister looking black shadow. Then the shadow starts talking in a deep dark voice about how he will control the king and rule the world. Followed by a deep, sinister laugh as the screen fades to black. The first time i saw that episode, i wasn't expecting the ending, and couldn't sleep well for at least a week (i'm assuming). And I never watched that episode fully again. Always walked away from the tv right before the ending...

4. The Adventures of Dudley the Dragon

The episode was called "The Dragon and the Toxin". In it, Dudley and his little children friends find a bottle of poison and, not knowing what it is, open it. In doing so, they release this scary skeleton man in a pinstripe suit named Vernon. Vernon starts of seemingly friendly, but his games quickly become sinister and dangerous, and most of the rest of the episode involves Dudley and the kids trying to run away from Vernon. I can't even remember how the episode ends or if they ever manage to stop the poison man and save themselves. What I do remember, though, is one scene where Dudley and his friends are hiding out inside their friend the whale, and they look through her spyhole and see Vernon swimming methodically towards them, and sinister smile on his face. Absolutely terrifying!

3. Wishbone

The halloween episode where Wishbone imagines himself in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. For the most part, this episode was actually really cool and interesting, not scary. The kids had to solve all sorts of cool halloween puzzles to win a halloween scavenger hunt race. But then near the very end of the episode they have to enter the old haunted mansion, and Joe retells his childhood experience with the house; where he walks up to the door and it bursts open and two glowing yellow eyes stare out at him from the blackness (closed my eyes at this part in the episode). Eventually Joe's friends convince him to enter the house, and they win the game. Then for some reason they look down the staircase to the basement, and see the eyes from Joes past! Just before I was going to have a panic attack, though, it turns out that the eyes just belonged to a black cat. Joe and his friends leave the house laughing together, but the camera stays focused on the darkness at the bottom of the basement stairs. Then, all of a sudden, the real pair of glowing eyes appear!!!

2. Pingu

Everybody seems to know this episode, where Pingu has the nightmare about the giant walrus. It starts out happy enough; Pingu dreams that his bed suddenly comes alive and takes him for rides. However, during their games, a gigantic walrus is sneaking up behind them. The walrus then grabs and eats Pingu's bed friend while Pingu watches in horror. Then the walrus spends the rest of his time messing around with Pingu's plasticine body. The worst part was the evil laugh that the walrus always made.

1. Ghost Writer

Easily the most scarring event in my childhood: the three part episode about the Purple Slime Monster. The kids are trying to write the scariest story possible in order to win a contest, so they write one about an evil toy in a black leather jacket made of purple goo that covers you in his slime and then takes you away. And the purple slime monster always had some scary line or taunt to say in his mechanical, deep, dark voice. And no matter how the kids tried to kill him, the slime monster only ever got more powerful. I can remember spending most of those episodes curled up in a ball on my dad's lap. The worst part about it was the fact that ghost writer was one of my favourite shows, so i wanted nothing to more than watch it. But every time i opened my eyes the slime monster would be facing the screen, smiling evilly at me...


Well, that's it. How many of these episodes did you watch? DId you watch the whole thing?? Do you even know what shows or episodes they are??? Looking at that list, I am amazed that every one of those shows I watched on TVO Kids as a kid. No wonder I'm so messed up and maladjusted now...

The Pattern Is Falling Apart!!!

Augh! Need something to post on. Some sort of random idea. Random thought. Random intuition. Anything!!!

...

Suggestions?

Soap 2

Hypothetical situation: You find a bar of soap sitting in a pool of unrecognizable filth. Anything and everything disgusting you can think of, it's in that filth, touching that bar of soap. You really need to shower, but are personally without soap. Do you use the sludge soap? I mean, it's soap. It's not like it can get dirty...

Post script: Happy 50 Posts, me!

Post post script: Haha. "Post" script...

One More Heart To Break

Time's up!

Nothing to see here, folks. But maybe in the near future something wonderful will begin to happen. Something musical. Something collaboration-al. Something within the family. Something involving the family.

Not getting the picture? Think Chevelle...

"After all, what's the point, cause levitation is possible..."

Two more months to go. But I'm starting to enjoy this time, so there's no rush.

Currently making a new "Play Softly" playlist. Only 20 songs, because that's all that fits on compact disc these days. How do you make MP3 discs? Whatever. The challenge is what I live for. It can't just be what she's heard, there has to be new stuff too. Bigger and better. Or at least just better...

Cheerio! (Six weeks = 4% cholesterol decrease...)

My Mind Is Like An Atom Bomb

Because time is short and I have a pattern to continue, I will join and leave you with this simple thought:

Today I was in the best mood I've been in for at least a year.

June's not over yet...

Hermits And Hermit Crabs

we have successfully taken this over from those who ran it previously. we are officially the post-masters now. here's to us, ladies and gentlemen. here's to the future.

things i have yet to accomplish this summer: write a short story by august, 8-10 pages long for application to creative writing course next year. make significant progress to "novel" that everybody at the CWS wants to read so much. finish AT LEAST one song, AT LEAST. paint, draw, sketch, sculpt, and all other arty things. finish Duplicity. start and finish comedic shorts avec Daniel.

what do you do when life has got you down? it's not so easy when you're told that you can always do the things you enjoy in your spare time, but then you end up too tired from the things you have to do first to actually use your spare time for anything productive. that is why my list is still so long. that is why next month, when i look back at this list, it will probably be the exact same length as it is right now.

this is a message for the me in the future: get your act together.
this is a message from the me in the future: it can't be done. you'll understand soon enough...

flashlights in the bedroom** is an excellent source for motivation. maybe i can pull something together with it's help. maybe it will be something i like better. my ring finger is short one ring. i'll have to get that back in the near future; im actually catching myself fiddling with my ring finger like there's still a ring on it.

* * * * *

it's 2:02, and i should be asleep. but i know that you didn't come here for my self-loathing. you came to see the human circus. it's kind of like a flea circus, except it's just me. and it's not a huge scam. i used to have collection of cartoon insects, one of whom was named "da flea". he was based on "the cheat" from homestarrunner famedom.

fame? or fortune? i'm pretty sure fame equals fortune in most cases, unless it is infamy. but looking at it now, i'm starting to think i'd rather take the fortune and just live a quiet, peaceful life somewhere far, far away. like Australia. i'll support you now, you can support me in Australia? we'll make t-shirts together and live a peaceful little existence. fair trade?

at work we have "rainforest aware" coffee, which always reminds me of fair trade coffee. it has a little, green poison-arrow frog as it's symbol. how did the poison-arrow frog become the mascot of the rainforest? what about the piranha? or the tapir? actually, the jaguar would probably be the best choice...

i don't know a lot about cars. if i were to actually get a car right now, i wouldn't have a clue what to get. probably the cheapest one. but as far as looks go, i know diddly-squat. as far as style goes, i'm living about twenty years behind. it's all about the retro. super nintendo games still blow the new systems out of the water. why do you think they can sell single game cartridges for over one hundred dollars???

i haven't been swimming in probably close to a year now. i think i'm forgetting how. i never got past the fourth badge. my mom used to sew them onto my mickey mouse towel, up in the upper left-hand corner. classic mickey mouse, like the original drawn by walt disney. steamboat willy-era. one time at swimming lessons i saw a kid who had the exact same towel. with badges sewn in his upper left-hand corner. he was about five lessons ahead of me. i wanted that lime green badge really bad. i don't think i ever had coke with lime. great commercial song though. cherry coke was amazing. i remember the commercial with the man riding the ostrich through the grocery store, making a awful mess. i also remember sitting in a tent with my cousin in his backyard; drinking cherry coke and listening to the water-buffalo song.

another proof of my deprivation of a childhood: i didn't watch/know anything about VeggieTales until grade four.

Quotation Marks For Proper Titles

Some people just won't get off my case, will they? And yes, I remember a couple months ago when I asked y'all to keep on my case. So bonus points to those few who stuck to their guns. Funny fact: now that "Paramount Canada's Wonderland" in just plain old "Canada's Wonderland" all the rides named after Paramount movies have been renamed. And not good names either. "Top Gun" is now "Flightdeck". *eshudder* I need to go to Canada's Wonderland this summer. Gotta ride "Behemoth"! Canada's biggest steel coaster? Am I right in assuming that? I think I heard that somewhere...

I remember going to Marineland once. Rachel was really really young. Like ride-in-stroller young. So it must have been at least five to six years ago. And they had the greatest roller coaster I had ever seen. "Dragon Mountain". "Canada's longest steel roller coaster". Marineland probably hates Canada's Wonderland now. Because, really, who goes to just see the belugas anymore? I feel bad for those whales. Such big animals. Such tiny tanks...

Super Battle Tank 2. David owns that game for our Super Nintendo. It's terrible - we never play it. Subsequently, that was the last game David bought for our Super Nintendo. I have a credit card now. That's not a good thing. Ebay is about to take all of my money. All of crazy rare and expensive Super Nintendo games. And Amory War comic books. And something else. I can't remember what though. And there's no stopping to think about it now...

Gotta take everything one step at a time these days. No more trying to do everything all at once. And no more doing little pieces of different things at different times either. Just one thing, finish it, then move on. Well, except for music. That's just sort of on the side. Although, I have already said many times that I do art on the side. So i suppose that would place music on the side of the side. Or, maybe that means music has gone full circle, and is now sitting on my left hand side...

Kelly Clarkson. I can still never truly appreciate her, because she was a part of that cesspool of television entitled "American Idol". In fact, she's probably one of the main reasons it succeeded so well. I can't ever truly appreciate Chris Daughtry either. Maybe if he had had the brains to at least make his group name something other than his own name. Then maybe I could have forgotten his connections to the cesspool. I need a new group name. I need disconnection from the cesspool. But the only good one's I've thought up so far are "The Jade Fragrant Methadone" and "The Tobias Project". But the first one sounds more like a song title than a group title. And the second one does not disconnect. Input?

I don't think my Mactop has an input key. What's an input key? Running out of steam. Too distracted by conversations and Kris Van Soelen. Which is never a good thing. This one did not come out quite like some of my other ones. But it's not bad. It's progression. Progression is a basic part of life. Life is an amazing cereal. Except I can seem to get the right amount of milk on it. The sogginess is never quite right, because all I seem to taste is the milk, not the cereal. It's like I'm supersaturating the Life. Chemistry was fun in grade 12. I don't know how I ever managed to get such a good mark, I was easily the dumbest one in the group. Not to mention that we distracted Miss Campbell at least once every single class. She's married now, and Mr. Templeton is coming to Guelph. Which is where I am staying for next year. Templeton is the rat from "Charlotte's Web". We got our VHS copy of that movie from McDonalds, back when McDonalds gave out movies (can you remember those times? I can. I only ever got milk with my Happy Meals. Didn't like pop, it was too unhealthy. I wish I could be more like my younger self again...) We also got "The Land Before Time". The original one. IE: the only good one. I totally called that they would eventually make one that involved an ice age. Which is ridiculous. But they did it. The new "Ice Age" movie is going to be all about dinosaurs. "Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs". I suppose Hollywood writers don't need to be very fluent in basic science or history. Maybe I don't belong there. Maybe I can bring change to that world, make it a better place. We also got "Wayne's World" from McDonalds. Excellent movie. Shame what happened to the actors though...

I think I just de-progressed a little...

Cardinals

if everyone else is scrambling desperately for more money, why am i not worrying too? i only make $9.00 an hour. and i don't even get 40 hours a week...

Done With This?

holy crap, time is moving too slowly

...

screw it

i'm clearly too cowardly to actually say what i'm feeling in these posts - that's why i make everything so cryptic. but if i expect anyone to actually get it and ask what's going on and if they can help at all, then i'm just pathetic.

so since i don't seem to want to tell people what's going on, i'll just go back to pretending that nothing is wrong at all. if any of you manage to figure out the truth from the puzzles for posts i left behind, then i'm more than willing to talk.

until then, though...

:D

Redefined

I hate driving now. It gives me waaaay too much time to think about myself, my life, and what a huge sham it all really is. That's the word of the day, children: sham. S-H-A-M. Something that is not what it purports to be; a spurious imitation; fraud or hoax; to make a false show of something; pretend.

In other news, I feel like an idiot for trusting my feelings. I no longer have a real reason for getting out of bed in the morning. And no, this is not just because I'm very very tired. I've been that all my [fake] life...

3, 4, 3, 4...

I sense a pattern forming for 2008...

I'd just like to give a nice big middle finger to you, world. Because it is crystalline now that you are out to screw with me. I think I know what I want - but in order to get it there is the strong chance that many things will be broken, quite possibly forever. So am I simply supposed to give up on the thing that I clearly need just to keep those other things I need almost (if not just) as badly? "Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need?" At least Spiderman understands me...

On the other hand, that thing I thought I wanted appears (to me) to finally be within reach. In fact, it's almost as if it's being given to me. So those long months of doubt, mental flip-flopping, self-loathing, and waves of depression were for nothing? Or maybe they were for something, but things have changed. Or I'm misreading the situation even now, and should in fact be continuing with my previous actions. But if it turns out the best possible option is, for once, the actual circumstance, do I even care anymore? I don't know. I was hurt, so now it doesn't feel right. Yet this turn of events could really hurt someone else, and that feels even worse...

My imagination is the worst best [read: only] friend I could have in these situations.

Not to even mention the complete and utter lack of enjoyment there is in my life. I work till I am too tired to work anymore. Then I wake up the next morning and do it again. Isn't life grand???

Nope. So world, the next time you think about moving my life forward towards the next stage, save your breath. I'd rather just stagnate until I decompose.


ps: you think you're mysterious, Maddy? try and decipher all this - even i'll have trouble figuring it out in the morning...

Post Post 40

"I'm out of time and all I got is four minutes [freaky freaky] four minutes - Hey!"

Chapter 1 in my saga is complete. Now I have to survive the subplot. It's kind of like the fan fiction people write about movie characters during the in-between between movies about those characters.

And you know how those characters are so far too often portrayed by different actors? Or given a huge style change so that you hardly recognize them? That's what I want my character to have. I want to revamp my style this summer. Or, at the very least, revamp it in September when I head back to school. Crazy Thought: During my haircut yesterday a piece of hair stuck itself to my ear and I came to the conclusion that I would look good with an earring.

"If you want it you already got it. If you thought it it better be what you want" -- new favourite song. I've listened to it over twenty times in just a couple of hours, and haven't grown tired of it in the slightest yet.

And while on the topic of songs... one day till "The Grace", "Always", "Black Is The Colour Of My True Love's Heart", "Ending Of A Story"... you get the idea...

Room revamping. I don't want to live at home anymore. Mostly because I have the tiniest room imaginable. It seems everybody I know has at least a queen sized bed - all I've ever known is a single that no longer fits me. Five months from now could not be much farther away. Unless it was six months...

"Time is waiting. We only got four minutes to save the world! No hesitating. Grab a boy and grab a girl!"

One Positive Thought

Another qoute-unquote "deep" post. yippie-skippy...

I had a lot of time to think about these things during the drive home from Redeemer. Which was only further extended when I missed an exit and found myself in downtown Toronto just a couple blocks from the CN tower.

I am torn in pieces by the people around me. I don't see my old friends enough because I am constantly trying to make new friends. But none of my new "friends" actually know me at all. Therefore, it is doubtful that they care about me either. And my old friends are pushed away by my incessant talk about these new people. In short, I am left by myself.

I've been made to see how incredibly selfish of a person I really am. Everything that I have ever done in my life that I can think of, no matter what it was or why I did it or who I did it for, I was actually doing it for me. Even writing this post, all I can see are the "I"s and the "me"s. And it makes me sick to my stomach.

What do I do with the spare ticket? Two people to choose from, but would either of them even say yes anymore? Do I even want to go anymore? Stupid question, of course I do. But I don't want to go alone.

One will read this, one will not.

This has been one hell of a night...

One Positive Thought (To Keep Me Going): I listened to pretty much all of my best Coheed and Cambria. And sang along to at least half of them. I think my vocal range is expanding/improving...

April 2, 2008

...

nah

Benito Cereno

Backstreet Boys - Love Will Keep You Up All Night

Why is it that just when I was getting good at close readings, they stop giving me close reading assignments? Honestly, these article analysis's are horrid. Absolutely horrid.

I am give-or-take half way through my final assignment this semester. And by extension, this year (besides exams). But of course it has to be a four page article analysis! And I am about 99% sure that what I have so far will not get me a good mark at all. I got insanely lucky last time. I doubt lightning will /not/ strike twice...

Good thing I no longer care. All I want is to get this piece of crap done and over with. It's been too long since I had a purely enjoyable time at university. I could use one. Bad.

Hey, O'Quinn. I'm going to want the next twelve hours of my life back You got that?...

Backstreet Boys - Unmistakable

A Message About The Future?

Who here can remember the Alpha Bits Wizard? I was just buying some more cereal to top me off for the week, when I noticed the Alpha Bits box and started reminiscing. I remember one commercial where the wizard took the children to his secret cave home and introduced them to Alpha the computer. And it wasn't long after that that Alpha had completely replaced the Wizard as Alpha Bits' mascot. Stupid computers. Always trying to take over everything.

Oh, and did you know that Alpha was originally modeled after an IBM computer? But now he's based on a Mac. Go Apple go!

Oh oh, and who remembers the Suger Crisp bear? Best mascot and theme song ever. Terrible cereal though...

Rebel Without An H!

"Wake up every morning, face that age-old scene..."

Are you an Enrico Fermi High or a Then Came Jonny?

"He's a blast from the past. He's a force for the future..."

Between you and me, I wish I was a Blast From The Past.

"Wake up every morning, nothing is the same..."

And Dopey

The song Heigh-Ho. In Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. In the beginning the dwarves are singing in their mine about how they love to dig all day...

"We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mines the whole day through..."

Well, I just realized yesterday that they say "dig" SEVEN TIMES!!!! Seven dwarves. Seven times. Coincidence? I don't think so! Walt Disney was a clever-minded genius!

Est. 1989

I used to think that the "Est." in clothing brands and buttons and whatnot stood for "Estimated", like the stores couldn't remember exactly when they started making clothes.

I later realized it probably stands for "Established".

12 Days

I had an idea for this post.

But I forgot it.

I wish winter would go away already.

And hello.

Doritos

I just realized I was alive back when the only flavour of Doritos was regular/cheesy. Then came Extra Cheddar-y flavoured Doritos. Followed by Cool Ranch, which in turn was followed by Jalapeno and Cheddar.

It was the Jalepeno and Cheddar that broke open the flavour dam. Seems like suddenly I walk down the snack aisle and there is all manner of BBQ, Spicy, Cheesy Pepper, and Curry flavoured Doritos.

I miss the simpler times. And Doritos 3-D. Remember those? I do.

Also, I remember when Garfield had his own brand of corn chip. If my taste memory isn't flawed, I would recall that they were better than Doritos.

Newspaperish Hoodwink Draggle Nasonite

I swore today that I would write a poem
Not happening

"Captain," cried the lieutenant in fear, "our attacks seem to have no effect on their armour!"
The captain quickly grabbed the binoculars from the lesser soldier's hands, peering through them. All he could see was miles and miles of troops covered in a chalky white substance.
"Nasonite," he muttered, "I should have known the high court would leave out a detail like that."
"The high court, sir?" the lieutenant questioned, overhearing his superior's grumblings.
"That's right, the high court," replied the captain sharply, "those newspaperish dullards have had it in for me since I took over this regiment."
"But why, sir?" asked the lieutenant, who could hardly believe what he was hearing.
"Because!" snapped back the captain, "they'd rather see my name draggled through the slush at the cost of a few hundred lives then live with the idea of the Commonhood finally having a successful captain. And I was gullible enough to let them get away with it."
"You mean to say, captain," the lieutenant slowly stammered with fear, "that you were..."
"That's right," the captain answered, "hoodwinked."

Cliché

Everything here

Get Off My Case, Then Get Back On It.

Why am I so intrigued with my play counts? Say (All I Need) is leading the pack with 13.

I have canvases. I have paint. I want to paint. I want to make t-shirts again. I have a video camera; I want to make some movies. I want to make a comic book. I want to write one of my stories. I want to make music and finish an album. Realistically, I want to finish something. ANYTHING. Instead, I have books to read. Not the ones I want to read. The ones I have to read.

I want to die. Realistically, I want to run away. Somewhere far away. I want to stop going to school. I want to just work enough to support myself, and then do the things that I enjoy.

I need some achievable goals. I need to stop dreaming and start existing. I need something concrete to believe in again. I am still broken inside and at a lose for life.

I am lost, but I know where I'm going. I know where I will end up.

I am so damn sick of cover songs.

Somebody threaten my existence and force me back to work. I have the talent to be so much better then them, I just need more motivation.


















18 spaces for 18 years of this garbage. Going on 19 soon.

I want piano lessons. And a piano. And a drum set.