4.05.2008

One Positive Thought

Another qoute-unquote "deep" post. yippie-skippy...

I had a lot of time to think about these things during the drive home from Redeemer. Which was only further extended when I missed an exit and found myself in downtown Toronto just a couple blocks from the CN tower.

I am torn in pieces by the people around me. I don't see my old friends enough because I am constantly trying to make new friends. But none of my new "friends" actually know me at all. Therefore, it is doubtful that they care about me either. And my old friends are pushed away by my incessant talk about these new people. In short, I am left by myself.

I've been made to see how incredibly selfish of a person I really am. Everything that I have ever done in my life that I can think of, no matter what it was or why I did it or who I did it for, I was actually doing it for me. Even writing this post, all I can see are the "I"s and the "me"s. And it makes me sick to my stomach.

What do I do with the spare ticket? Two people to choose from, but would either of them even say yes anymore? Do I even want to go anymore? Stupid question, of course I do. But I don't want to go alone.

One will read this, one will not.

This has been one hell of a night...

One Positive Thought (To Keep Me Going): I listened to pretty much all of my best Coheed and Cambria. And sang along to at least half of them. I think my vocal range is expanding/improving...

12 comments:

dried said...

If Hank Davis taught me anything, it's that selfishness is human nature. Everything for myself. Altruism is a means to selfish ends and such. And you can't really base hindsighted speculation on anyone else. (look at my blog, you'll be hard pressed to find one not about me)

and what is this ticket to? or is it figurative?

and good work with the missing of the exit thing.

and I'm basically doing the same thing with the new friends thing, but with much less skill and initiative -- I'm looking to Humber to be a prod out of the nest. And don't judge "new friends" on how much they care for you - you have to get to know people and stuff.

Sorry, that was something of a rant. w/e.

oh, listen to exhilerating music. like dillinger or protest. it's exhilerating.

Ben said...

Apparently everyone has the ability to have a 3 octave range
but most of us barley use 1

Madeleine said...

I disagree with Dave. I think we are born selfless and selfishness is something we learn because of experience. My whole blog was /meant/ to counter this by writing about other people and of course we all know how well that went. So I have decided that it is ok to talk about yourself as long as you don't boast or complain too much.
I had a ticket dilemma too! But it is ok now, I asked Liz and she was free so we are going to have a romantic spring evening together. I'm sure you'll find someone romantic to hang out with too.
Actually, I like it when people write like this. It makes me feel less alone.

Madeleine said...

By that last comment, I meant that I like it when people write about themselves <-- THAT is what makes me feel less alone.

Jessica said...

It's your blog, first of all. You are entitled to talk as much as you want about yourself and if people don't want to read it, then they don't have to. And honestly, knowing you outside of the Internets, I can sincerely say that you are extremely far from being on that personal "obnoxious and self-centred people" list. If that even amounts to much.

I think this whole, juggling new friends with old, finding the balance (because ultimately, I think it is about finding the balance without toppling over in a lonesome mess) thing comes with the experience of leaving your comfort bubble and into a bigger ocean (to reuse the old cliche). You're in first year, caught in a limbo between what you've always known and what you will learn. There's no definite way to solve this problem; it's life. There's also no definite way to please everyone.
So, as for the spare ticket, just take the one you who would annoy you less.

There's my advice, use it or not.

How do you miss ONE exit and find yourself so off the mark??? I'm glad I don't drive.

Jessica said...

That's sad, my comment is almost as long as your post. Who's the selfish one now?

--kathleen... said...

i think about being selfish too. and that's why i started hating my blog after awhile because it just felt like selfish writings of my life. i got sick of it. i think, for the most part, blogs ARE selfish. it's really hard to make them not selfish.

i do think selfishness is part of our human nature. but i don't think that means that we are inevitably selfish beings. we can work to overcome our selfishness and try to work for the good of humanity and God (although often we have ulterior motives for our apparently "selfless" acts).

rachel said...

blogs are journals.
journals are records of your thoughts and experiences.
they're not selfish. they're supposed to be about you.
if you want to write about someone else, write a biography.

so keep on truckin'!
yeeehaww

rachel said...

p.s.
the whole reason i read other peoples blogs is because i WANT to know whats going on with you.
why would i read your blog to hear about someone else??

abpheonix said...

I think when people are alone, they have too much time to think. But then when you actually get to meet with your friends, you realize that they are the same paranoid person you are and are not the solid person you think they are. And that they're like: don't wanna lose a good friend, either.

Everyone wants new friends, and don't want thier friends to have better friends then them, its okay we're all in the same pool.

That was my vomit of thought.

jonathan//garret said...

i can still make out what you had for dinner...

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