I sense a pattern forming for 2008...
I'd just like to give a nice big middle finger to you, world. Because it is crystalline now that you are out to screw with me. I think I know what I want - but in order to get it there is the strong chance that many things will be broken, quite possibly forever. So am I simply supposed to give up on the thing that I clearly need just to keep those other things I need almost (if not just) as badly? "Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need?" At least Spiderman understands me...
On the other hand, that thing I thought I wanted appears (to me) to finally be within reach. In fact, it's almost as if it's being given to me. So those long months of doubt, mental flip-flopping, self-loathing, and waves of depression were for nothing? Or maybe they were for something, but things have changed. Or I'm misreading the situation even now, and should in fact be continuing with my previous actions. But if it turns out the best possible option is, for once, the actual circumstance, do I even care anymore? I don't know. I was hurt, so now it doesn't feel right. Yet this turn of events could really hurt someone else, and that feels even worse...
My imagination is the worst best [read: only] friend I could have in these situations.
Not to even mention the complete and utter lack of enjoyment there is in my life. I work till I am too tired to work anymore. Then I wake up the next morning and do it again. Isn't life grand???
Nope. So world, the next time you think about moving my life forward towards the next stage, save your breath. I'd rather just stagnate until I decompose.
ps: you think you're mysterious, Maddy? try and decipher all this - even i'll have trouble figuring it out in the morning...
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Documentation of life beyond this point is not 100%
2 comments:
Ahahaha before I read the last part I was thinking along the lines of holycrapiwishiknewwhathewastalkingabout.
my mystery thing comes from this odd need to never reveal my whole self to anybody. it is weird. i hide huge parts of me from everyone, even my mum and heajin and darryl who i tell the most to. survival instinct i guess.
yeah, could you be more vague please?
and one of these days we'll have jobs we enjoy, which is what our ba is for.
until then, we look foreward to camping, various summer parties, and camping.
if real work ever gets to be like this work is -- an all consuming trivial time waste -- I'm just gonna quit.
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