I sense a pattern forming for 2008...
I'd just like to give a nice big middle finger to you, world. Because it is crystalline now that you are out to screw with me. I think I know what I want - but in order to get it there is the strong chance that many things will be broken, quite possibly forever. So am I simply supposed to give up on the thing that I clearly need just to keep those other things I need almost (if not just) as badly? "Am I not supposed to have what I want? What I need?" At least Spiderman understands me...
On the other hand, that thing I thought I wanted appears (to me) to finally be within reach. In fact, it's almost as if it's being given to me. So those long months of doubt, mental flip-flopping, self-loathing, and waves of depression were for nothing? Or maybe they were for something, but things have changed. Or I'm misreading the situation even now, and should in fact be continuing with my previous actions. But if it turns out the best possible option is, for once, the actual circumstance, do I even care anymore? I don't know. I was hurt, so now it doesn't feel right. Yet this turn of events could really hurt someone else, and that feels even worse...
My imagination is the worst best [read: only] friend I could have in these situations.
Not to even mention the complete and utter lack of enjoyment there is in my life. I work till I am too tired to work anymore. Then I wake up the next morning and do it again. Isn't life grand???
Nope. So world, the next time you think about moving my life forward towards the next stage, save your breath. I'd rather just stagnate until I decompose.
ps: you think you're mysterious, Maddy? try and decipher all this - even i'll have trouble figuring it out in the morning...
4.29.2008
4.18.2008
Post Post 40
"I'm out of time and all I got is four minutes [freaky freaky] four minutes - Hey!"
Chapter 1 in my saga is complete. Now I have to survive the subplot. It's kind of like the fan fiction people write about movie characters during the in-between between movies about those characters.
And you know how those characters are so far too often portrayed by different actors? Or given a huge style change so that you hardly recognize them? That's what I want my character to have. I want to revamp my style this summer. Or, at the very least, revamp it in September when I head back to school. Crazy Thought: During my haircut yesterday a piece of hair stuck itself to my ear and I came to the conclusion that I would look good with an earring.
"If you want it you already got it. If you thought it it better be what you want" -- new favourite song. I've listened to it over twenty times in just a couple of hours, and haven't grown tired of it in the slightest yet.
And while on the topic of songs... one day till "The Grace", "Always", "Black Is The Colour Of My True Love's Heart", "Ending Of A Story"... you get the idea...
Room revamping. I don't want to live at home anymore. Mostly because I have the tiniest room imaginable. It seems everybody I know has at least a queen sized bed - all I've ever known is a single that no longer fits me. Five months from now could not be much farther away. Unless it was six months...
"Time is waiting. We only got four minutes to save the world! No hesitating. Grab a boy and grab a girl!"
Chapter 1 in my saga is complete. Now I have to survive the subplot. It's kind of like the fan fiction people write about movie characters during the in-between between movies about those characters.
And you know how those characters are so far too often portrayed by different actors? Or given a huge style change so that you hardly recognize them? That's what I want my character to have. I want to revamp my style this summer. Or, at the very least, revamp it in September when I head back to school. Crazy Thought: During my haircut yesterday a piece of hair stuck itself to my ear and I came to the conclusion that I would look good with an earring.
"If you want it you already got it. If you thought it it better be what you want" -- new favourite song. I've listened to it over twenty times in just a couple of hours, and haven't grown tired of it in the slightest yet.
And while on the topic of songs... one day till "The Grace", "Always", "Black Is The Colour Of My True Love's Heart", "Ending Of A Story"... you get the idea...
Room revamping. I don't want to live at home anymore. Mostly because I have the tiniest room imaginable. It seems everybody I know has at least a queen sized bed - all I've ever known is a single that no longer fits me. Five months from now could not be much farther away. Unless it was six months...
"Time is waiting. We only got four minutes to save the world! No hesitating. Grab a boy and grab a girl!"
4.05.2008
One Positive Thought
Another qoute-unquote "deep" post. yippie-skippy...
I had a lot of time to think about these things during the drive home from Redeemer. Which was only further extended when I missed an exit and found myself in downtown Toronto just a couple blocks from the CN tower.
I am torn in pieces by the people around me. I don't see my old friends enough because I am constantly trying to make new friends. But none of my new "friends" actually know me at all. Therefore, it is doubtful that they care about me either. And my old friends are pushed away by my incessant talk about these new people. In short, I am left by myself.
I've been made to see how incredibly selfish of a person I really am. Everything that I have ever done in my life that I can think of, no matter what it was or why I did it or who I did it for, I was actually doing it for me. Even writing this post, all I can see are the "I"s and the "me"s. And it makes me sick to my stomach.
What do I do with the spare ticket? Two people to choose from, but would either of them even say yes anymore? Do I even want to go anymore? Stupid question, of course I do. But I don't want to go alone.
One will read this, one will not.
This has been one hell of a night...
One Positive Thought (To Keep Me Going): I listened to pretty much all of my best Coheed and Cambria. And sang along to at least half of them. I think my vocal range is expanding/improving...
I had a lot of time to think about these things during the drive home from Redeemer. Which was only further extended when I missed an exit and found myself in downtown Toronto just a couple blocks from the CN tower.
I am torn in pieces by the people around me. I don't see my old friends enough because I am constantly trying to make new friends. But none of my new "friends" actually know me at all. Therefore, it is doubtful that they care about me either. And my old friends are pushed away by my incessant talk about these new people. In short, I am left by myself.
I've been made to see how incredibly selfish of a person I really am. Everything that I have ever done in my life that I can think of, no matter what it was or why I did it or who I did it for, I was actually doing it for me. Even writing this post, all I can see are the "I"s and the "me"s. And it makes me sick to my stomach.
What do I do with the spare ticket? Two people to choose from, but would either of them even say yes anymore? Do I even want to go anymore? Stupid question, of course I do. But I don't want to go alone.
One will read this, one will not.
This has been one hell of a night...
One Positive Thought (To Keep Me Going): I listened to pretty much all of my best Coheed and Cambria. And sang along to at least half of them. I think my vocal range is expanding/improving...
4.02.2008
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